sympathy
by MatveyJeevas
Summary: "...all the hearts go beat beat beat but when you kill X you kill a heart because you're level 100 one helluva player playing this game, but it's not a game, so you're playing this lifestyle, playing in a situation you wish was real. you wish it was real, with all your heart." A somewhat poetic, letter-to-myself fanfiction. Rated K (plus) for swearing.


he doesn't want your sympathy he doesn't fucking want to hear you say sorry he just wants to keep walking keep talking keep doing what he does. all he wants to do is go home, and he won't complain, but people will know, all he wants is a warm and familiar bed with the threat killed and the worlds saved.

he doesn't want you to give him potions. or ethers. his friends shower him with gifts—always special hi-potions, or or or mega-ethers, and once in a while someone will be confused and give him a phoenix down, but he gives those back, laughs, and says, wrong game! he doesn't actually do that. this is not a game.

this is not a game. at first, he was so young, he was fourteen. they gave him the keyblade and his optimism overtook all that grief. gone gone gone for a year.

he wants what the princesses never had: he wants his mother. riku and kairi and cinderella and aurora and ariel and jane and jasmine all want their mothers, too. wendy is not enough for sora. wendy is younger than sora. your mother cannot be younger than you, even in another world.

heartless don't really not have a heart, but their hearts failed like a scalpel that cut too deep during surgery—dr. finkelstein would not be proud. failing a heart is failing a community. who were the heartless? they were people—did they have a family? friends? lovers? children? children? children? destroy as many heartless as you can, and kill the nobodies too. if you do not, the human won't be restored. the surgery will be irreversible. don't slack, sora. you need to do it. it's so important.

you think this is a game. this is a lifestyle. this is the situation of seven years of somber silence sitting killing time killing X killing hearts of a million, a hundred thousand million billion trillion kabrillion hearts. all the hearts go beat beat beat but when you kill X you kill a heart because you're level 100 one helluva player playing this game, but it's not a game, so you're playing this lifestyle, playing in a situation you wish was real. you wish it was real, with all your heart.

don't wish this upon your earth. earth is not balanced anymore, but its darkness and light are at peace with one another. you cannot have good without bad. do _not_ think that there is good without bad. your favorite people are born from badness, beaten or bruised or bullied. sora and riku. kairi. ventus. aqua, terra, roxas and xion and axel and all of your favorites. they were hurt. mickey was hurt. they don't like to tell you things like that. but mickey mouse was hurt. he is good. mickey is good. he doesn't mean to hurt. but he does.

he hurts so much that you want to cry, that you _do_ cry. it's not a game, and sora isn't just a character. cgi on the screen; gorgeous colors; a voice actor who used to be adorable. these are all aspects of sora. of course he is just a character in a video game. don't be stupid. but who wished they were sora when they were eight years old? who played this game (it's NOT a game!) every day every day, loving sora and feeling sora and hating donald and goofy and loving kairi and loving riku and loving neverland?

love doesn't end with goodbye.

but you haven't even looked away yet, so how could it be goodbye?

clockwise, it's square, triangle, circle and then a blank button.

how many times have you pressed the blank button? let's do some math. Assuming it takes an average about 10 hits to kill one enemy. 1000 shadows. 700 soldiers. 1000 miscellaneous, and around 25 bosses, well, that's 2,725 total. Multiply that by ten. 27,250. Add the menu. 30,000. Now, that is per game. You've played this fifteen times at least. That's almost half a million for young Sora alone. And so it faded

faded… into darkness. because i've been having these weird thoughts lately. weird… real… or not? like, is any of this for real, or not? recite it. for real, or not? not? not? when you walk away.

as a child, the lyrics meant nothing. as a child, everything means nothing. sora walking and walking and fighting and fighting meant nothing. you didn't cry until you were old enough to care. you cried for axel. you cried for xion. for aqua, ventus, and terra. you cried for sora crying_. i looked everywhere for you. riku…_

he doesn't want your sympathy, oh no, he's too cool for that. he wants you to be happy. he loves to see smiles, and hear a shriek of sweet-breathed, rainbow laughter. sora's been too nice from the beginning. it will be his downfall.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A/N: My favorite teacher died after heart surgery last week, and I haven't been feeling the best. I feel like lowercase letters make the writing more raw and real.


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